One-Track Mind

I can't sleep. I try counting sheep, but inevitably they start having sex with each other.

This is Smokey.

Smokey's a hard-working, party-going cat with a temper to match his drinking problem (that's his tenth glass of wine on the afternoon that you see by his left paw). He enjoys narrating your day with guttural meows, bounding after sparkly, immobile objects, and jumping into your lap when you least expect it. But God help you if you interrupt him when he's on a conference call! He will scratch your face off and make you curse the day you shorted fish heads and colorful balls of string, you incompetent oaf.

First Post

I am what happens when you combine poor luck with even poorer decisions and a frighteningly pale complexion. If I simply attached a camcorder to my head, I imagine I could make blockbuster comedies, award-winning dramas, or at least a useful instructional video on how not to live.

It wasn't until I started reading Allie Brosh's blog at Hyperbole and a Half that I realized I could turn my misfortunes into something productive and possibly lucrative, if it's found to be terrible enough.

Now, I realize my voice is just one of millions in the "blogosphere" (side note: people who say "blogosphere" deserve to be bludgeoned to death by something equally offensive and made-up, like a Nazi unicorn that spews vomity crap-piss from its mouth). What do I have to offer that they can't offer already, you ask? My feeling is that my life is so uniquely unfortunate* and perplexing that parts of it should be documented for your amusement. I hope you will agree.

So, from now on, this is where I will come when I am struck by something that I think is worth writing down. Sometimes, I will literally be struck by something: I have an unnatural ability to get hit in the head at the most inconvenient times. Call it gingeritis. Usually, though, I am just plagued by disturbing but slightly funny thoughts.

Such musings mostly range from the trivial to the irrelevant to the perverted, but on occasion I will think of something insightful or funny. I'm hoping these rare moments of inspiration (or degeneration) will make this blog worth reading. I'm not sure how often I will write or whether anything will come of this; I'm just testing the waters.

All feedback is good feedback here, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below each post. I'll post again when I have something worth sharing.

*I am, in fact, very fortunate. I started this blog during the summer after graduating from a good college. I have friends I love, a loving (if slightly crazy) family, and I live in suburban New Jersey. But I mean...New Jersey? C'mon!