Facebook sucks.

Back in the days when everything wasn’t tied to a “fan” page and people actually had information on their profiles, facebook still didn’t give a complete picture of how people live their lives. Interests were chosen in such a way as to maximize one’s appeal to all 700 of one’s “friends,” and most information—at least to me—seemed slightly superficial. You might have said, for instance, that you enjoy reading—possibly because you actually like to read, but also because you want people to think you like to read. So as to not appear overly nerdy and because no one lives a completely solitary existence, you’d say you like “hanging out with friends” (who doesn't?). And in an effort to appear spontaneous and adventurous, you’d say you like “fun when it’s not expected” or something off-the-wall like “hang-gliding” or “pedophilia.” I know this because I did it myself, to some degree (NOT a child molester).

What I wouldn’t include in my profile—and what no one seems to share on facebook—are the pitfalls of being human. Under activities, I don't write “slapping myself repeatedly in the forehead after an awkward conversation with a girl.” I wouldn’t say I like Kelly Clarkson because I don’t want anyone to know I like Kelly Clarkson (now you know). And I most certainly wouldn’t say I sometimes “take out my frustrations on people I love” because I don’t want anyone to think my life is anything less than perfect.

The result is a skewed and inaccurate portrait of how people live, which can turn your downtime surfing the web into a manic and depressing exercise in procrastination. What’s worse, you might even find yourself getting jealous of friends who are interacting with other friends instead of you, whether through tagged pictures that you're not a part of or wall-to-wall conversations. That seems to be the exact opposite of what you hoped to accomplish by joining a “social network,” no?

With that in mind, I’ve decided to give up facebook for a bit. I’m still going to keep a profile because facebook remains my primary means of staying in contact with some friends (even good friends—it's very convenient). I’ll probably respond to messages and wall posts, and on occasion I might create an event or send out a group message. But I’m going to make a conscious effort to reduce my Internet presence as I find myself enjoying the facebook experience less and less. If you can relate to this post, I suggest you do the same.

PS: The irony of my sharing this on facebook is not lost on me. But the fact is facebook gives me a chance to interact with almost everyone I know, which will always be valuable. Through any other medium (except for email, I guess, although I'd have to know everyone's email address), it would be almost impossible for me to communicate this message to so many people. If a few people decide to reduce the time they spend on facebook after reading my status update, then I’ll be able to live with the hypocrisy of the way I communicated my feelings.

Bucket List

Part of me has always wanted to write professionally. This blog is a step in the right direction, but I'm not getting paid for it and my audience is still pretty small. Still, however small the first step is, I'm a tiny bit closer to being able to cross "professional writer" off the Bucket List.

Next week I'll be able to scratch off another big-ticket item: performing stand-up in front of a live audience. It's always something I've fantasized about but never thought too seriously about doing. But with this taking off somewhat (if you can call 4 posts and 8 followers "taking off") and with a few minutes of material to work with, I decided to bite the bullet and sign up for 5 minutes of stage time at the Laugh Lounge.

Wednesday is open mic night; I'm signed up for next Wednesday, July 21st. I'm not sure when I'm going on or how much cover is—it's $6 for 5 minutes of stage time and a drink, if you're interested in tackling the mic—but the doors open at 5 PM. It'd be nice to see some familiar faces in that oh-so-scary crowd, so please come out and support if you can.

Where: Laugh Lounge, 151 Essex Street off E. Houston

When: Wednesday, July 21st; show starts at 5:00

What: Uncooked Open Mic Night - 5 minutes of stage time per "comic" (I'm not willing to call myself a comic because I'm usually only funny in the what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-this-kid? sense. If this performance goes well and I end up making a habit of it, maybe then "comic" would be appropriate—not now though)

Seating is only guaranteed 15 minutes before show time, so get there early!

One-Track Mind

I can't sleep. I try counting sheep, but inevitably they start having sex with each other.

This is Smokey.

Smokey's a hard-working, party-going cat with a temper to match his drinking problem (that's his tenth glass of wine on the afternoon that you see by his left paw). He enjoys narrating your day with guttural meows, bounding after sparkly, immobile objects, and jumping into your lap when you least expect it. But God help you if you interrupt him when he's on a conference call! He will scratch your face off and make you curse the day you shorted fish heads and colorful balls of string, you incompetent oaf.

First Post

I am what happens when you combine poor luck with even poorer decisions and a frighteningly pale complexion. If I simply attached a camcorder to my head, I imagine I could make blockbuster comedies, award-winning dramas, or at least a useful instructional video on how not to live.

It wasn't until I started reading Allie Brosh's blog at Hyperbole and a Half that I realized I could turn my misfortunes into something productive and possibly lucrative, if it's found to be terrible enough.

Now, I realize my voice is just one of millions in the "blogosphere" (side note: people who say "blogosphere" deserve to be bludgeoned to death by something equally offensive and made-up, like a Nazi unicorn that spews vomity crap-piss from its mouth). What do I have to offer that they can't offer already, you ask? My feeling is that my life is so uniquely unfortunate* and perplexing that parts of it should be documented for your amusement. I hope you will agree.

So, from now on, this is where I will come when I am struck by something that I think is worth writing down. Sometimes, I will literally be struck by something: I have an unnatural ability to get hit in the head at the most inconvenient times. Call it gingeritis. Usually, though, I am just plagued by disturbing but slightly funny thoughts.

Such musings mostly range from the trivial to the irrelevant to the perverted, but on occasion I will think of something insightful or funny. I'm hoping these rare moments of inspiration (or degeneration) will make this blog worth reading. I'm not sure how often I will write or whether anything will come of this; I'm just testing the waters.

All feedback is good feedback here, so feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section below each post. I'll post again when I have something worth sharing.

*I am, in fact, very fortunate. I started this blog during the summer after graduating from a good college. I have friends I love, a loving (if slightly crazy) family, and I live in suburban New Jersey. But I mean...New Jersey? C'mon!